Who I Am

Self-invention is something everyone goes through at some point. For most, it’s the adolescent experiment of puberty that usually plays host to such an intimate action. But for some – for me – it can happen much later.

“Who am I?” is a powerful question that begs an answer. In fact, such a question is not typically asked unless an answer is not readily available. And without an answer, the question becomes terrifying. So much so that one becomes desperate. In my case, I tried to plug that hole with anything that would fit.

When I was a teenager, I was very depressed. And that depression began to answer the question.

“Who am I? I’m depressed.”

But while I was miserable, I was no longer asking the question; no longer terrified.

However, eventually I received help with my depression. I started the process of gender transition and received antidepressants and therapy. My depression was under control. I was no longer depressed.

“Then, who am I?”

The question was back, and with it, so was the fear. Once again, I tried to silence it quickly by defining myself by what I was doing.

“Who am I? I’m the girl starting a longboarding company and trying to get into film.”

But the company failex, and I ended up dropping out of film school. Once again, a fleeting solution. And without those activities defining me…

“Who am I?”

This time, I knew I had to look inward; dig deeper. I needed an answer to the question that was more concrete. I had to invent myself like so many others during puberty.

Finally, full circle. Now, at 27 years old, I am once again experiencing puberty. A second chance. And this time, I’ve been spending a lot of time on self-reflection. A lot of experimentation. And at last I have an answer.

Who am I?

I am a girl who loves passionately and feels deeply. I am a girl who is proud of her family and her heritage. A girl who is fiercely loyal and incredibly stubborn. A girl who is very confident and intensely determined. I am a girl who is unapologetically transgender and a lesbian, willing to fight for her community so that queer kids after her may never suffer as she did. A girl that chooses life on her own terms. A girl whose style is half hipster, half punk, with a healthy dose of tomboyish femme for flair. A girl who colors her hair and gets piercings and tattoos to celebrate herself (I promise nothing distasteful, mom). A girl who loves science and science-fiction alike. A girl who thinks analytically, questions philosophically, and lives spiritually. Most importantly, I am a girl who knows who she is.

“That’s who I am.”

3 thoughts on “Who I Am

  1. You have come so far in such a short time so glad you are finding your true self and have the courage to live your truth

  2. It makes me happy to know you’re getting the answer to your question. We love you and feel very fortunate we have you to love. My heart is sad for all those parents who are missing out. Some by their own choice, some by the choice of their child. And, especially today, sad for those parents and their children who weren’t even given a choice but made for them by a heart full of hate.
    Let’s talk about the piercings and tattoos. There are definitely some I will strongly advise you to avoid! 😱

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